Date From Hell: A Dwarves in Space Short Read online

  She scrunched up her nose, her eyes slightly crossing -- which might explain her inability to not fall face first into every spec of dust crossing her path, "Is that how it ends? I never read the whole thing."

  I wish I could say I screamed loudly at her, administered a long spiel about how the entire crux of a work cannot be altered due to ones ignorance, and how declaring a cautionary tale of keeping your children away from grooming predators something romantic is an abomination unto the good Bard's name. But the scream died in my throat, the threats and gargles morphing to little more than a resound sigh as she scampered off trying to chase after a floating light fixture that failed to adhere to the dead tree's brittle branches.

  At least it gave me enough of a chance to mend something of a false smile onto my face to cover up the abject horror I'd scream into my room later; a bad move, as she coyly tried to blink off her eyelashes and waved her fingers at me. "I picked these for you," she said, holding out a pair of stems with white spikes emanating from the top.

  "That's logweed," I said, keeping my hands firmly behind my back. Her smile didn't waver as she kept forcing them towards me. "It causes a terrible rash if touched and blindness if ingested." Still she held out the flowers, ignoring my words. "Please put them down," I begged, and she opened her hand, letting the weeds scatter to the ground.

  I glanced towards the false sky, shifting from the reds of sunset into a creeping indigo night. The screen projecting the mock clouds of an atmosphere would part soon to reveal the real stars below. That would be the perfect escape excuse, escorting the girl home quickly lest she ram head first into some strangers and cause them serious harm.

  As I returned my gaze back to the ground, internally I jumped back. In my revere, the girl snuck up before me until the scent of her salad stung my nose, her eyes wavering from joy and terror at nanosecond intervals. "I have a secret to confess."

  Oh joy of joys. Why would I possibly care what was the secret of a person I prayed to every dead available ancestor that I'd never see again? If it were 'I've killed an entire family and you're next' I would not be surprised. If it involved her patting a bunny on the head and then licking it, I also would not be surprised. I looked away, hoping she'd keep the damn thing to herself, but she inched up onto her toes, trying to reach my ear. Her legs wobbled and instinctively I reached out to keep her from causing more damage to the garden.

  Warm breath glanced across my face and she whispered, "I'm a virgin."

  "You're a what?!" I dropped her arm, staggering back from the woman pinwheeling her hands to get a semblance of balance. "In what twisted universe is that proper first meeting conversation? How would...why would..." words fled from the site of me as second hand embarrassment filled in for them. But the girl felt no shame at all in her highly personal secret that I had in no way any intentions on altering for her.

  She blinked those eyelids again and gnawed down upon her lip as if she were starving, before staring up into my terrified eyes and saying, "And I've never, you know, touched myself."

  ***

  Taliesin paused in his story. "Go on, get it out."

  A snort like a combustion engine turning over escaped from the captain's mouth. She tried to stuff it back in with her hand but was too late and a few giggles joined.

  "Holy...I can't...oh my...breathing, so hard," Orn gasped, as he vibrated heavily upon his chair, trying to cram some words in between his laughter. He clapped a hand over his mouth and his shoulders trembled, trying to get his reaction under control.

  Variel looked at him as he dropped his hand and rolled his head. Then he returned the gaze and, after a beat, guffaws returned that could knock down an Ogre. "I've never touched myself," Orn cried in his high pitched voice as very undignified giggles followed, "I need you to know I'm a virgin."

  "Oh gods," Variel gasped, fighting to get breath into her body.

  Taliesin looked to his sister who'd spent most of his story with her head down muttering "Oh dear" and "oh my" when appropriate. Even she had a hand over her mouth, trying to conceal the grin that eclipsed her fingers reach. "I'm so sorry," she said, a small laugh breaking up her sentence.

  "No, you're not," the assassin grumbled, shaking his head.

  "I'm sure as shit not," Orn responded, patting down his belly as the sugar boiled in it from all the excitement, "This is a gold mine with a hidden geode vein."

  "Please," Variel said, the first to gain back control of her laughter, even as some danced around the edges of her eyes, "that was it, yes? After her confession, you ran for the airlock."

  "Um..."

  "Oh Taliesin," Brena said, the first true concern for her brother showing.

  "I'm afraid it gets worse," he admitted.

  "Worse?" Orn gasped, bouncing up in his chair, "How could it possibly get worse?"

  ***

  After her secret sharing that I never needed to know and feared I'd wake in a sweat screaming about for weeks to come, there was only one logical answer; my voice rose about five octaves and chirped, "OhThat'sVeryNiceIDon'tReallyCarePleaseGoAwayNow!"

  I backed up beside one of the heat vents, the steam for the hot house rising from the partially rusted grate in a hiss. She followed me, her eyes still blinking away as she shuffled back and forth on two feet like she needed to use the lavatories. You know those moments when you can predict almost every move your opponent is about to make and your brain counters before you're even conscious of it? The perfect chess board?

  I knew she was going to stand up on those tottering toes of hers, I knew she was going to lift her hands for my ears, and I knew that still bleeding lower lip was coming for my face. So my brain offered up the only solution it could think of and my legs gave out of their own accord. I dropped straight down onto my back end, forcing her attempt to fondle touch only thin air. Unfortunately, my brain failed to compensate for the inept ability of her spine to keep her vertical.

  She teetered around and fell face first into the heating vent. The rusting gate cracked from the weight and tumbled towards the lava hot furnace below. She'd have gone with, but I grabbed onto her shoes, her face smashing into the overheated metal and a sound of cracking bones reverberating through the garden.

  "Call the medics!" I shouted to another couple wandering the grounds as I hauled the klutz back out of the heating vent.

  I tossed her body to the ground and rolled her to the side to check for signs of life. Mostly her mousy hair bashed into the vent, singed to a crisp, but it protected her face from the brunt of second degree burns. The right arm dangled in a horrendous fashion, shattered at the elbow from the force and seeds know how many other breaks in her lifetime.

  A familiar sound of the medic siren pierced the garden's breath, yellow and green lights beamed out into the stars. I turned back to Army and her eyes opened wide, the browns of the iris buried under a rise of allergy red. Probably inflamed from all that blinking earlier. Shock was to be expected, others are not used to such a close brush with death. I murmured something about how "help would arrive soon."

  "Oh my inner goddess!" she shouted, her voice cracking from pure cut insanity, "you saved my life!"

  "Sort of..."

  "Just like Eliose and Alabard!"

  "There was very little mention of heat vents in the ancient ode," I muttered, waving the medics near me and gesturing that they help the woman rising off the ground.

  "We're meant to be! It is our destiny!" she shouted even as the two dwarves surrounded her, slotting the restraints in place before carting her to the hospital. As they lifted her off the ground upon a gurney she waved her one functioning arm towards me and cried, "I'll always love you, Taliesin!"

  ***

  "What did you do?" Variel asked.

  "I ran as quickly as my legs would allow and never turned back," Taliesin said, feeling a blush blossoming upon his cheeks. "Hopefully they keep her under restraint for a few days, for evaluation at least."

  Thoughts of a crazed woman, her forea
rm dangling like a shredded piece of fabric as she walloped against the airlock door filled the captain with dread. Oddly, she'd always feared it'd be women beating down the door to get at Orn though not for the same reasons. "We're due to be pushing out tomorrow, but I don't see any reason why we can't speed that up a bit. Your wife's onboard isn't she?"

  Orn nodded slowly, "And she's gonna love this story, positively cream herself over it."

  "Orn..." Variel warned.

  "Phrasing, right," he said, rising off his chair and scampering out the door to find his wife. "And Lover Boy, next time take a few smoke grenades on a date. You know, just in case."

  Variel shook her head, but didn't say anything else as she headed towards the bridge. Putting in a warning about a crazed elf named Army that could be harassing her crew took a bit of time. As she opened up the bridge door the Dwarf's high voice called out, "Captain, just so you know, I'm a virgin."

  "And I've never touched myself!" Variel answered back, chuckling as she shut the door.

  Taliesin turned towards his sister who shrugged her shoulders, "She seemed nice when I met her."

  "Brena!"

  "It's not as if you can easily find another Dulcen out here. We do not do the 'tourist' part well," she knitted her fingers and raised one shoulder, "I tried, right?"

  "Yes, you did," Taliesin said, slowly opening up the door to find his room and lay down for a few days. "In the future, could you try a little less harder?"

  Brena blew her hair up out of her face. She'd had high hopes that this could at least be the one to break her brother of his human habit. But even she'd have run screaming when the girl asked her to order dinner for her. She was impressed he'd stuck it out as long as he did. Perhaps there was some attraction on his end after all.

  A beeping alerted Brena to her hand, and she flipped on her PALM. One new message awaited her. She scrolled through and didn't recognize the address, a strange thing as the Bard was always entering every person she met into her database for networking. Opening it up, Brena groaned.

  It simply read "BEST DATE EVER!!! -- Ahmee 'Kesahtnan'" Her brother was never going to forgive her as long as she drew breath.